Fits and Starts

Rediscovering my blog’s purpose

willyverse image

Hi Guys!

Today I thought I’d go to my about page and try to refresh myself on why I started blogging in the first place. If you’ve never read it before here’s what it says :

Its all about that very first step. The fear of trying and failing should never be enough to keep you from the amazing experiences life has to offer. This is my first step, my beginning if you will, of taking hold of these experiences. I hope this blog inspires someone to think in technicolor. To try something they never thought they could do. Follow me as I share my thoughts on my ongoing projects, baking recipes and a few colorful musings.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Peace, Love and Respect,

E.

Now as far as recipes go I think I’ve posted like one in the entire history of my blog (LOL!) but over all I still feel like this statement resonates with me.

I still want to inspire people to try things that they would ordinarily not do because frankly if I can do it anyone can! I don’t say that to dump on myself; I think I’m a pretty cool person :p but I knew nothing about sewing when I started this blog and now I’m over here crafting bomber jackets and what not.

I thought I would be too scared to write what I truly felt when I first started. It all felt a bit vulnerable and soul-baring hence why I didn’t tell many people about it at first. I still feel that way sometimes; when thing feel too new or too bold, I like to sit with them quietly and get comfortable with them before showing them to the world.

So on the topic of starting, there would be a few things in my life that would be starting this year. One of which would be my business with a dear friend :). We are creating handmade pillows and when things advance a bit more I would be sharing pictures and details and all that jazz, but yea ๐Ÿ˜€ I’m pretty excited and very nervous.

I’m glad I re-read my about page today. It made me feel all warm and content on the inside. I’ve thought about re-branding my blog many times because frankly if you googled “Begin” you’re probably just going to get the definition of the word but until I find something that still speaks this message, I think I’ll stay put.

Well this ended up being a lot more conversational than I anticipated ๐Ÿ˜›

Hope you’re all having a great week!

Picture by Willyverse

 

Living through filters.

I’m done.

I’m soo ready to start my holiday and not have to deal with assessments for a while.

I was having a conversation with a friend of mine and he said something that I have been mulling over for a few days now. He said that in this social media age more and more people are starting to live their lives through filters. This means that people are no longer being genuine with what they post on the internet and they are constantly trying to keep up with the characters they have created. For example if you always have pictures of you being “sexy” you feel the need to maintain that “ooo I’m bad and I don’t care what you say” persona. (except you kinda do or you wouldn’t have posted it for people to comment on)

The problem with this is that you may not necessarily be that person that people perceive you to be on the internet. ย Of course if people think you’re a perfectly responsible member of society who is also very fun, attractive and drama free, its a little difficult to see what could be wrong with that. BUT in the event that the above description does not fit you perfectly, it could be hard to open up to people. You could find yourself stuck with the burden of maintaining everyone’s expectations of your perfection and seeing as you’re not perfect you obviously do not have the time for such tom foolery. You should be spending all of that energy working on yourself instead of pretending to have it all together.

I don’t know if this need to live a double life was created by social media or if social media has only come to fan the flames of an existing problem. Maybe the internet gives us a place to mask our insecurities and hide from the vulnerability that comes with everyone knowing your flaws.It may ย very well be impossible to be entirely transparent on the internet because what you post is simply a moment in your 24hr day and in that fact there would always be bias. I suppose what I am suggesting is that we teach ourselves to live real lives when we are away from the internet. We need to have genuine conversations and vulnerability. I believe that there’s more to every individual than what they post on the internet. We all need to act like it…

#nofilter ๐Ÿ™‚

You Mad Bruh?

Heyyyo

In second year, introduction to Equity Studies I had a reading that still moves me till this day. Unfortunately I do not remember the title of this article or who the author was but the gist of the reading was that the author was often labeled as the “angry black woman” and she felt that people in social justice and human rights advocacy weren’t angry enough because in her opinion anger was the very thing that ignites change.

Now as somebody who has trouble staying angry even when I know I should I found this idea particularly moving. Not being angry often means people take advantage of you, they don’t make an effort to remain on your good side, they are not respectful of the things that offend you because they know you will let it go and carry on like nothing is wrong. For these reasons you need to be angry and you need to be explicit about your anger. Being passive aggressive will get you nowhere.People aren’t mind readers and they surely wouldn’t know that you’re upset if you carry on masking it with loaded statements and subliminal messages. Be verbal, be expressive, let the world know without a shadow of doubt that you’re angry. Bask in it.

Here’s where things get tricky however, I don’t feel that you should speak in anger. With biblical support (James 1: vs 19-20) I can say that speaking in anger will not edify you. In your anger you say things that you may not really mean, you will be hurtful and cutting, you will burn more than you heal. So what is a girl to do? You can’t ignore your anger and you shouldn’t speak in anger so it seems like you’re pretty stuck. Except you’re not.

What I have come to understand is that we need to learn to use our anger. Using your anger means that you detach yourself from the heat of it and channel that energy to effect positive change. This means unpacking your anger. Ask yourself a few key questions; why am I angry? am I justified in my anger? what can be done about it? Often times, I discredit my anger on the second question because I try to think of why the other party would have acted as they did and its usually more difficult to stay angry when I do that because I realize how imperfect we all are and how I could have acted similarly. This should however not stop me from acting. Just because we are all imperfect doesn’t make everything okay. Sometimes we need to be called out on our imperfections in order to grow.

Basically, whether you are upset at a situation or a person you need to use your anger to create the change you want to see. That change may start in you or it may come as a result of you speaking about it. I wish I remember who the article was by just so I could re-read it and fully appreciate the wisdom in that piece. Nevertheless it caused me to think and consequently learn.

Friday Night

Showered, changed, sitting in bed…

 

There’s something about Friday night that makes me not want to do squat. My hair is only half finished but I can’t be bothered right now. I certainly don’t feel like studying, as a matter of fact anything “productive” just seems too much right now. I was hoping to come up with something profound to say, something that I would read months from today, maybe years down the line and say “mehn I’m good”, but I simply can’t be bothered. I just want simplicity tonight.

Tonight reminds me of a painting I did a while back.

Friday Nights- Begin

It really didn’t have some deep meaning, it was just fun to do and it made me feel good. I didn’t have to explain it, in fact an explanation would have soiled it. Tainted it with pretentious depth. I guess this Friday night is one to be alone with my thoughts. The utter randomness of this post probably testifies to that.

I’d probably paint my nails and watch Friends and pretend to have no responsibilities. Or maybe I’d try to think of a solution to world issues and then stumble on an amazing idea. Or I’d watch a disney movie, cry at the sad parts, then think of how the movie had underlying themes of gender or class inequality. I guess it really doesn’t matter what I do tonight. Not everything has to be deep and profound and meaningful. Like my professor told me today; “sometimes its enough to just notice certain things and not assign any meaning to them”. Tonight, I will explore my mind, its been a while since I just pondered for pondering sake.

I would make myself some tea but that requires moving. ughh. Yea I’d just sit here and not do that thank you very much.

Goodnight ๐Ÿ™‚

The trouble with perfect

cropped-photo-21.jpg

Hello, hello!

After months of essays, tests, meetings and the sort, third year is over. At the end of second year I decided to take stock and see what I had learned. I learned in first year that sometimes its okay to let go, in second year I learned that just because you let go of a plan doesn’t mean you have to let go of a dream. After third year I’ve learned that just because you’re used to something doesn’t mean you don’t need to work at it anymore. If anything I learned that the being good at something is simply an invitation to be better

Speaking to my sister last night, she told me something that I thought summed up my “discoveries” quite nicely; “life happens”. Its really important to have a plan and know where you want to be and where you’re heading at any point in time, but it is just as important to remember that just because you have a plan doesn’t mean that’s how things are going to go. Sometimes even the most perfect plans are ruined by the smallest, most mundane things and what do you do? You deal with it.

Often times we become so wrapped up in the perfection of our plans that we’re crushed when things don’t go as we hoped they would. In my experience, life “happening” is usually just the thing you need to help you find your way. Its kinda the way things tend to go; you never try you never know, you never fail, you never grow. (really wasn’t trying to rhyme there but hey!). Anyhow I’m grateful for another year with its new experiences and all the things I learned so far. I’m looking forward to my fourth year and all the novelties it promises to bring.

What are some of your most recent life discoveries?

Dream in color

Dream in Color. Begin

On the 16th of March last year, I had a showing of the first play I ever wrote. It really all began the summer of 2012, I was attempting to read a book and then my mind began to wander. My first play really had nothing to do with that initial idea, it was really just me putting everybody else’s thoughts into words. I was still grateful for the experience nonetheless because it showed me that I could do it if I wanted to. In some way I feel it also showed where I was in my life at the time, I was more concerned about what other people wanted me to do than what I wanted for myself.

By the summer of 2013, I was at it again. This time I was going to write from my heart. It took a lot of poking and prodding from my family to get me to expand my vision but it was well worth it. By January this year, I had written something I was truly proud of. The play is centered around the theme of domestic violence. While I may have no personal experience of domestic violence, it hurts me to think that there are several people dealing with this everyday. I say “people” because while many women suffer physical abuse in the hands of men, there are also men who are abused by their partners. For some reason, I felt that I needed to tell this story; which is by no means a perfect representation but ย felt that it captured a key piece in the problem of abuse: the disconnect between expectations and reality.

It became clear to me after reading several accounts from women who had lived through abusive relationships that they had held on to the image of who they thought they were with but the fact was, that man had changed. Often times, we continue to hope and trust that someone is just going through a “rough patch”. This expectation that he or she would once again become the person you thought they were at the beginning only leads to more hurt. Maybe that’s why many women remain. They don’t want to give up on somebody they care about so they stay to “help”, so that possibly at some point things would be as they were before. In not letting go, they become the woman that they pitied and despised. The one who didn’t recognize her worth and the one who was too blind to see how awful her abuser was.

I wrote this play with the hope of possibly touching somebody. Perhaps if I put a mirror up to their lives they might try to get help. Abuse is more than just the moment someone physically assaults you, it is the hurtful words, the disrespect, the lack of regard for your opinions or emotions. While some people are really just in a bad place in their lives and will rise above it, you need to know when to back away and be supportive from a distance.

Said I wasn’t going to but…

Said I wasn't going to- Begin

nope! not going to…I shall not write a post about love in February!!

Alas here I am. February just has this insidious quality that shoves “love” down your throat 24/7. By the time March rolls around you’re so bored of the idea you don’t even want to talk about love anymore (I lie…I’m a hopeless romantic! I absolutely love love :D). Anyhow I was thinking about love the other day…it’s really quite complex for something so simple. For the most part, I generally say that I don’t know what love is but that’s just a ploy to avoid really thinking about it. My general guide to love is 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. You know, “love is patient, and kind…”; what I find fascinating though is that by this definition love is a truck load of work that promises little return. I suppose the return comes in the happiness you get when you see someone you love getting ahead in life or when you see them smile or those little things that people talk about in their wedding toasts. Or maybe love really has nothing to do with those little things. Maybe you can love somebody without liking them in the least bit. If you are patient and kind and you never envy but you rejoice in righteousness and all the pieces of that short passage maybe you have loved, but that doesn’t mean you like this person. Quite frankly you might just be loving an absolute jerk. I guess this is where “love those who hurt you” comes in cause you don’t have to like them but you have to love them. So maybe love isn’t really about going out to expensive dinners or spending every moment together or living your entire life like Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams in the notebook. It seems to me that love is knowing that someone is probably going to mess up again but still giving them another chance. Love is when you have a crappy day but you’re still willing to listen to the other person complain about their day. Love is being upset with someone but still wanting the best for them.

If you ask me that seems extremely difficult cause on some level we all just want to look out for ourselves and do what makes us happy. Love finds happiness in the other person’s happiness. So I suppose when I say that I don’t know what love is, I really mean that I’m not ready to come to terms with what love is.

OR I could be completely wrong about this…oh well ๐Ÿ™‚